There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
