The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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