tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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