maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
