My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
