he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize