I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
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