Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Is it because I queefed?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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