Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
We have started to decorate penises.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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