My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
