i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize