i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
