My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
