I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
