The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
