How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
