I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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