Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
