I accidentally had phone sex last night
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
