I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Randomize
