I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
