remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
