fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
