I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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