My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
