It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
