I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I currently don't understand fingers.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
