smell my finger.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Randomize
