i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
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