I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
