He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
