Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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