You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize