I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
He did a backflip because drugs
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
