just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
