I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
