My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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