I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
