Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
