I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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