we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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