i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
