I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
