I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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