i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
