I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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