Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
