I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
