Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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