my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
