just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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