so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
