I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
someone owes me an orgasm
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I smell like Dick and happiness
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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