wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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