i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I deserve to be covered in dicks
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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