so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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